Positively Burnt

Sorry about my zone out for the last month. Second session of camp was a bit wearing and then there was a one week short session to end. Nothing but rain in these parts for the first part of August. Now it’s quite nice. I spent all damned day at the beach, something I’ve been wanting to do all summer, but haven’t really had the chance to without thinking about all the things I should be doing for work. I’ve transitioned from work, to camping for a week, then moving into an apartment today! Yeah no mosquitoes! Looking for work in the Burlington area. Have an interview Monday. I am going to do my damndest to stay away from substitute teaching, just because I would like more stability. Love working with the students though. And I am sure they would be great around these parts. My roommates seem cool, college grads with full time jobs. Essentially, what I was looking for so I wouldn’t end up living with drunken stooges.

Hope like hell to make some art soon. Aching to make some…

I miss the kids that I worked with this summer. They gave me so much hope about so many things.

Keep the faith.

To Boston for the day

I am traveling to Boston's Logan airport for the day, dropping off international campers. I am driving, just me and a bunch of youngsters. A few of them I have become really close to and think so much of. It's been going great the last couple of days, very busy too. Everyone leaves today, staff has the night off tonight and an in-camp day off tomorrow. Then, I plan to do nothing except sit on the beach and roast myself into a deeper brown. The black flies come in waves, as do the mosquito's and horse flies. The horse flies are easier to kill, however, I have become quite good at catching and killing them in mid-air, in my hand, like Mr. Miyagi and the chopsticks. I have become closer to so many people here and consider so many of them trustworthy friends. People that I would not normally become friends with, I have done so here. It's been a great learning experience on so many levels.

Yesterday was parents day and I met so many wonderful parents. I talked with many of the parents for 30-45 minutes about how I conduct the classes, the philosophies I teach on creativity and the personal, free-flowing expression I ask every girl to work towards. I had such a great conversation with one girl's parents--I gave the girl an award a few weeks prior for having such a great spirit and individual unique style--that her parents said "anytime I was in New York City--where they live--I have a place to stay, with them." I was so flattered. Those same parents suggested I go to graduate school for teaching art in the K-12. I thought they were going to ask me to teach there daughter. I could see it in there eyes.


Another set of parents, I talked about my own work and experience. He asked to see my paintings. I said I didn't have any with me but thanks for asking. I do not think I would have showed him anyways, the day was about the girls and their parents, not trying to sell my own work.

I love it here. Some days are hell--when I am tired. But the campers give me so much upon me giving to them.

Heart shaped box

Things going good here. The first session campers are almost done, they will be leaving on Friday. Saturday we have off. I will probably drive to Burlington and apply in person for jobs. However AmeriCorps looks most promising. I want adventure. Internet here is patchy and most times I have to schedule in time to take a shit. It's so so busy, you cannot even imagine. Most days I don't even bother reading any mail or internet because I need uplifting energy, rather than anything that will bring me down. I love working here, I just don't have anything else to give family and friends, as far as talking or email, because I am so drained, emotionally and physically. This place takes everything from you. So many workers that I oversee are so fucking lazy, they don't clean there areas, do quality work, or teach respectively. So I am the constant cheerleader/director. I love it. However, I am sure some family and friends may be disgrunted by my limited conversations. I am sorry, but I only have so much within me here.

Some of the girls here are selfish assholes. The majority are inspiring and sweet. Sometimes I feel like the more difficult ones just shit on my face. "Julie, get me more bread!" They say at dinner. "Um, can you say please???" These are girls who have private riding stables at their houses--or their mulitple houses. There are two girls with some type of ADHD and go kinda nuts at the table and cannot sit still. We have to get most things for them. I will tell more later because I am in a miserable mood.

Workin and lovin it

"Anglo-America, panel number fifteen
1932-34
Fresco


"One of the greatest treasures of the Dartmouth College collection is the ambitious mural, The Epic of American Civilization, painted by the Mexican artist José Clemente Orozco between 1932 and 1934 in the reserve corridor of Baker Library. Offering a complex and compelling narrative that covers the history of the Americas from the migration of the Aztecs into central Mexico to the development of our modern industrialized society, the mural is composed of twenty-four individual panels, or "scenes," and covers approximately 3,200 square feet. One of Orozco's greatest works, The Epic of American Civilization must also be counted among the finest examples of mural painting in this country."

Dartmouth College, Hanover, New Hampshire

This is what I am looking at where I am sitting in the Dartmouth College library. Wow, how rough on my day off. Well deserved though, trust me. Management has been interesting and challenging, but always enjoyable. Even the long, long meetings at least twice a week. The workers that I manage need a little more guidance though. For example: one college student, who is 19 years old and still lives at home, has her dinner cuts by her mother still. She admitted to this at the dinner table, saying: I don't know how to slice my meat, my mother still cuts all of our food (referring to her and her sibs) at meals. A few of the teachers don't ask their students to clean at the end of class and are not tidy themselves with regards to their areas. Inevitably, that leaves me cleaning up after them and cursing them under my breath. The staff lodge is crowded by counselors--cabin staff--living with campers--around 10pm when all kids should be sleeping. That leaves the workers lounge area noisy and filled with rather hollow conversations. I tend to avoid this area outright, which explains why I haven't been posting any new blogs: I’d rather not work in the company of semi-retarded people. I mean, they are all great people and I think if I needed anything from anyone they would gladly help. I enjoy working with them, just not trying to make “meaningful” conversation. I can trust all of them. Very few can I talk with, about real things, deeper things. One interesting person is a counselor, I believe a few years younger than I, who is headed to law school in the fall. She’s really into Jungian psychology and a bit more sarcastic, which you know I love. We make a few jokes about the all the cheers and songs we have to do with the campers—all in good fun. Another counselor that is under my management goes to an amazing college and is studying geology. We both share our fascination with rocks and how we were both gifted “rock-tumblers” as presents. She wants to work for the National Park Service and is into conservation, hiking, etc. A real cool person. Almost everyone working here is either in college or graduated from. One girl has her masters in neuroscience. Some people are just looking to get away for the summer and teach what they really love to students who are really appreciative of the subject matter. Most campers at my job have multiple homes, maybe internationally, extensively travel, have multiple horses, etc. ---they are all really friendly.

Last night I went with a fellow management team member to a neighboring town to get something to eat. We wanted “real” food because the food provided to us tastes like it has been drained and refined of every nutritious element. The vegetables are always frozen and lacking color and taste, the carbs are all highly refined and predominately served—cheap pasta and bread to no end. The salad bar lacks backbone, but at least our complaining has brought romaine lettuce, olives, garbanzos and, if we are lucky, some nuts or seeds. I often leave every meal feeling empty and dissatisfied. Amazingly, the campers who’s parents pay an arm and a leg to send them here, complain about the small portion size and continually feeling hungry and dissatisfied. At breakfast, we are served frosted flakes or rice crispies---which you have to eat numerous bowls of to feel full—or oatmeal, which I cannot eat because of the gluten. I’ve tried and I feel like I have a knotted, rotting chain in my stomach, for over 24 hours. There is a tub of yogurt which is loaded with sugar and gelatin. All the fruit is not ripe, hard as hell and leaves everyone complaining. The apples are mealy and often thawing from being in the freezer. A corporate food distributor is the one who supplies the camp with all its regal food. With that said, even though the food sucks, learning the management end, and teaching the campers HAS ALL BEEN WORTH IT. I will continue to supplement with my protein bars, dark chocolate, green tea and numerous vitamins to get my needed ingestion's.

It has been really rainy here too. Almost raining everyday and is forcasted to continue. I have many mosquito bites but I don’t seem to notice too much. The campers say that last summer was really rainy like this too. Oh well, have to deal with it. It’s still amazingly pretty and I love being here. I went for two runs last week and they felt really good. I got up at 5:45 am and will probably get up early this week. It starts getting light out around 5 and I automatically wake up to the light and bird song. This week, I have moved off a perfectly good mattress to use my new backpacking sleeping pad, a Thermarest and my new Marmot sleeping bag. Loving both. I am greeted by a fellow worker’s cats in the morning, which often go outside at night and are in, waiting by her bedroom door, in the morning. I really like the idea and feeling of living minimally and plan to reduce my “things” to a smaller quantity. I have also appreciated the dri-fit clothing over cotton based. It looks nicer, washes well, and wicks sweat and continual rain quickly.

Gotta run. I am applying to jobs in Burlington and maybe elsewhere in the US. I really don't feel bound to anywhere or anything. Just will see what opportunities are offered and react to those.

Keep the faith.

Yee haw

In bloom around me, in Vermont: Lilacs

I've found loads of free or low cost assistance programs for my medicine. This is such a big relief. Now I don't have to sweat insurance coverage so much, or, the race to find replacement coverage. This will make my desire to stay in Vermont a reality. I will also check with MS societies in the area with their ideas, suggestions and availabilities of coverage for the state. Remember, I am 28. When coworkers ask what I am doing, on my computer, on break, "Oh yeah, I am researching insurance coverage, medicine coverage and jobs for the fall." Not the typical answer of my fellow workers. Meaning, they really don't understand one fucking bit. Not that they can't, they just don't have any capacity to understand where I am coming from. What experience do they have with mortality, meds, doctors offices, etc., etc. I joke with my grandparents and fellow elders that we have similar grips, aches and pains, health coverage and doctors. Not the average conversation of a 28 year old.

One huge thing that I am so thankful for that MS has given me is being conscience of humans around me, emotions, physicality, etc.

I have yet to respond to a request for clarification and more of a detailed account on dating and MS. I've been busy with work and will address it soon, both to the requester and copying it to this blog.

I saw a shooting star tonight

Tina Modotti in Tacubaya, Mexico.

Photo by Edward Weston, 1923

Work today was interesting; I worked on developing a nice tan and wove baskets. Listening to 19-21 year old soon-to-be-teachers-or-college-grads gossip of boyfriends, dating, binge drinking and smoking I rolled my eyes and wove and redirected my thoughts towards the mist on the Green Mountains. My dad and I ran while staying for the evening a few nights ago around Stowe. It was a bit difficult because there were some high inclines, but we did what we could with what we had. It was so damned beautiful I just wanted to stop running and sit and look. Since being here it's sometimes hard to run for I am not trying to get away from anything.

I really want to settle down, read newspapers, animal sitting on my lap, spend lazy days in bed drinking coffee. Nothing special. Discussing politics, music, shows, food and art. Completely relaxed but absolutely valid.

I get along great at the community of my new job--love talking one on one with people but avoid watered down conversation about nothing--absolute nothingness. Love the foreign kids because they are always weird and wild. There is a great coworker from Newcastle, what a riot. A funny guy from Utah who is a ski bum and works summers here, seven years in a row. I guess he is amazing with kids--how refreshing, a man who likes children. It feels great to be apart of something again, the communal aspect.

I've hardly eaten any junk here. It seems when I am surrounded by a good community, I don't turn to sugar, caffeine, chocolate and junk food as much as I do when I am not. My needs are met through human interaction, or maybe I'm just cravin' something else.


Glad I dated someone before coming here. Made me feel like a woman again. Sure glad he's gone though. Ain't missing him one bit. Not missing anything from back home, just missing something here.

Thinkin' of someone and this song as it downpours here:

A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall
Bob Dylan

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, where have you been, my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains,
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways,
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests,
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans,
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it,
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin',
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin',
I saw a white ladder all covered with water,
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken,
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin',
Heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world,
Heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin',
Heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin',
Heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin',
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter,
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, who did you meet, my blue-eyed son?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony,
I met a white man who walked a black dog,
I met a young woman whose body was burning,
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow,
I met one man who was wounded in love,
I met another man who was wounded with hatred,
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin',
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest,
Where the people are many and their hands are all empty,
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters,
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison,
Where the executioner's face is always well hidden,
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten,
Where black is the color, where none is the number,
And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it,
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it,
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin',
But I'll know my song well before I start singin',
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Can't Knock the Hustle

This is my grandmother who recently passed away. When she was 17 or so, she inlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps during WWII. Cannot Imagine. She was a very strong woman and I think she could read people really well. She would always tell me, and I hated it at the time, that I should be praying more and that anything is possible with God. So, again, whether you are a believer or not, whether you have faith in God or faith in Faith, moreover, goodness and universal peace, faith is still faith. Keep going.

At lunch, one of two directors came up to me at lunch and whispered in my ear. He said I am going to give you something and it's kinda philsophical. I extending my hand and closed my eyes. It felt like a waded drinking stray wrapper, thinking, oh it's just a joke. Then he said while I was opening my hand, it's a four-leafed clover, for you. It was the largest clover I've ever seen, dried up but still distinguishable. I almost started crying. There was complete silence at the table, and his daughter, who was seated there with me, said, my dad's such a sweet guy.

So is my dad and my mom, they are both sweet and forgiving and the most hardworking people I know. Without them, I would have died a long time ago, probably inhumanely, haha. They have always been there for me, always. I am forever grateful.

When I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis I was so frightened. I didn't know if I was going to live another day or year. My body and mind felt so different. I was in complete shock not only by the news but how my first attack manifested itself. The entire right side of my body went numb, as in, I couldn't physically get out of bed. My parents freaked out. I can still remember sitting up in bed and being worried about a project I had to turn in for Government class that day. The class needed my piece of work and the instructor came over to my front door that morning! My mother was trying to get me out of bed and take me to the hospital and this angry teacher was pounding at the door! My mom answered and told him that she couldn't get me out of bed and he turned white and left. He had suffered from a stroke a few years prior. That's what this appeared to be, at least to our knowledge. A few days before I could notice my right leg getting numb and heavy and my right hand was weak--I was a smoker who smoked with my right hand and the cigarettes kept falling out. I had just turned 18 and, for maybe a year, smoked a carton a week.

So the next month was hell. The hospital entailed many tests and then we were sent to a neurologist. He told me it was either cancer, MS, or aids. Wow, great. I had not had sex but I could have gotten aids from a tattoo! I was terrified! All I did for the first two months was cry and sleep, rarely eating. My parents would wake me every once and a while to make sure I was still living. All I wanted to do was sleep, I felt so tired and out of it. I lost at least 30 pounds, pretty quickly—wasn’t eating. When I was eventually well enough to go out, several months later, people who saw me thought I overdosed or had had cancer, so the rumors were around school. After my first initial meeting with the neurologist, I was immediately put on antidepressants. I didn’t even know what he wrote the script for because I was too busy crying when he was talking to me after the examination. I am still on them and wouldn’t be alive without the antidepressants, it was that black. I have tried so many times to “get off” the antidepressants because I felt weak and some guys told me “you don’t need those,” “aren’t you tough enough on your own?” “I would never take that shit.” Some people are really ignorant when it comes to depression. So many stigma’s. I wouldn’t be alive without them I promise you that.

I became very disinterested in my friends as well. Over the next few years, I stopped talking to almost all of them. It wasn’t that MS had warped my mind, it was that I realized, very very quickly, that life is SHORT and if you don’t really care for someone, or something—anything, forget it!!! No offense, at all, I just have better things to do. People that I communicate with now are WORTH my time. I am very selective with WHOM I spend my time with and HOW I spend my time. I realized a lot of things about myself through having a physical reminder of my mortality and I don’t care much for anything iced with B.S. This would happen again and again through future attacks or lessons...

Never leavin' Vermont

Yes my friends, made it here. I am so damned happy to be where I am at, after everything I have been through. Miracles do happen. Dreams do come true. Some where over the rainbow is right around the corner if you believe in it. A good friend recommended a beautiful place to stay while my dad and I were in Vermont. My dad and I enjoyed the accommodations--so much better than a bed and breakfast. The place that we stayed exuded love and warmth--a place with heart and sincerity.

I ran today, the first time since I have arrived at my new job. I am guessing it was 1-2 miles. I ran with foggy mountains at my fingertips, croaking frogs steps away. Sweating my ass off because of the heat and humidity, but loving every minute of it. Who would have thought a few months ago I would be here. I am working a summer position with young people and art. I am really excited to see there ideas and development.

I feel everything coming together. Yes, it happens even with extreme challenge in life, whether it is a death of a loved one or a chronic health condition, great happiness is always at your reach.

Vermont--Heaven

Made it here, somehow, with my dad in the car. At times, many, many
times actually, I wanted to open the door, while driving, and push him
out. O.k., don't even say anything until you've experienced travel with
him. I drop him off at the airport today and drive to my summer job,
which I will explain more at a later time. It's funny, the anxiety and
nervousness didn't start until I was in the car with my dad. It will be
interesting to see if it disappears when I leave the airport--alone.

So,so, so glad to be out of Michigan and certain situations there. Sometimes you just have to leave a place. At least with the individuals that I knew there, who have been there for some time or will stay there forever, it seems like individuals have a general sense of hopeless towards life and their dreams. Maybe that is everywhere. I read somewhere that it is a function of socioeconomic standing. The poor and working class---not the middle class, but working class, there is a difference people, come and visit my old neighborhood--don't think they can do things
outside of their immediate environments. Possibilities are not. I will
go into greater detail later. Furthermore, now that I am in Vermont, I
feel the energy of possibility, infinite possibility. That's why I have
had trouble sleeping ever since coming back here. I feel so damn
excited about life.

Superior is calm

El Greco
St. John the Evangelist
c. 1600
Oil on canvas
90 x 77 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Things have died down and look promising. I got to say goodbye to my bestest friends last night--my brother, his wife and their beautiful daughter, my niece and godchild, the magnificent Gina Marie, and the loveliest doggie in the world, Mara. Their new house in wonderful, five bedrooms, a lovely basement, kitchen, yard, etc. I am really happy for them. They will fill it with wonderful memories and laughter. I cannot wait to see it decorated for Christmas; I know bro will do a wonderful job at that. Jill will make killer veggie chili's and Christmas cookies in the spacious kitchen. Seeing them always mellows me out, especially Gina. She has an amazing affect on me. I remember not long after she was born, someone mentioned how she would have us all wrapped around her finger. She does, rightly deserved too.

I have never felt so calm moving into a new situition, with work and environment. I am not uneasy or nervous about anything---what a relief! No anxieties, just a great peace and deserving sense. I've worked diligently to get where I am today, with health and stability. No more bullshit. Amen.